Fork you P.S.

I didn't exactly finish this blog-I think I just came up with the fork you and then forgot I had more to write.  Excitement over a fork-silly. 

One of the other parts that comes with your spouse deploying is loneliness.  Plain and simple your life gets lonely.  Or at least mine did.  In my world, I married Doug because he was my best friend, the person who I like to find trouble with, find God with, sleep through movies as he watches them with, talk to about everything-seriously as soon as something happens he is the first person I want to tell, not talk to as soon as I wake up because I don’t talk in the morning, sit next to as I blog-you get the point.  One of the best parts of marriage is you have a full time companion.  Someone to do stuff with! 

Now that I’m a housewife/stay-at-home Mom that companion thing is even more so important.  My day is literally planned around Walker first and foremost and then Doug.  I take care of Walker all day and then do millions of chores/errands so when Doug walks through the door-there is less to do and more time for us to spend together.  I really enjoy it.  Now instead of on the weekends me talking him into cleaning a bathroom and playing rock-paper-scissors for who gets to clean the big bathroom-we look at each other and ask ‘what do you WANT to do’?  That is sooooo nice!  (BTW we still totally play rock-paper-scissors for diaper changes….though Doug looses.  Instead of putting out two fingers for scissors like he intended-he put one out….the game is rock-paper-scissors…not make up your own weapon-you lose! Lol….)

But without my companion-it may seem like I’m just cleaning and recleaning and recleaning a house with no fun in sight!!!!!  No 6 o’clock to look forward to.  Because no one is coming through that door to play rock-paper-scissors with me and laugh at Walker’s new antics. 

So I think I may take to traveling this spring.  (Walker and Hope coming to a town near you-possibly.)  The only commitements I have here are my reserve duty and bible study.  My reserve duty I may be able to take on the road once we figure out how to hook the CAC reader so I can work from home (or your home).  Bible study-I can’t give that up-because I’m leading it-eeeek!  (That is another post subject, woah nelly there!)  But none the less those are Wed and Thurs and then my one weekend a month.  So maybe Thursday night through Tuesday nights I’ll be a traveling gnome (with a baby gnome of course…). 

Fork you loneliness-I shall not sit at home and be bored and lonely.  Rock-paper-scissors-lets see where Walker and Hope end up!!!! 

Fork you!

If you ignore it, it is almost like running away from it.  But if you dwell on it, it wins.  So lets mention it, get everything out there and then plan to conquer it! 

Fear. 

There is nothing like a deployment to strike fear in the heart of a wife.  And now I’m a mother!  Fear likes to pretend it is my best friend (it hasn’t gotten the memo that that place was taken by God a few years ago, but I’m working on telling it---and Worry-Worry & Fear are a traveling act).  So to begin with-let’s talk about the one thing no one likes to talk about-but since I have a morbid sense of humor/outlook on some things and I’ve worked mortuary affairs-death.  To be honest this isn’t the top of my fears list-but I’ll mention it for good measure.  I know the truth, the statistics, the chances.  But I also know I have God-so whatever may happen God has plans for us-for us to prosper and not to be afraid. 

To be quite honest my biggest fear is of being a single mother.  (Now I mean no disrespect to actual single mothers, but I am not, but it will sure feel like it.)  I am afraid of falling out of love with my child.  I mean I love him, but I can appreciate his ridiculousness more when I get ample Walker-free time.  I know I have been super selfish and spoiledly taken advantage of football season and Doug’s night owl-ness and called it ‘father-son bonding time’.  When really, I was dumping Walker and running away so I could re-charge my battery.  I am so scared of when Walker starts teething or gets sick and is crazy needy and I have no reprieve.  It’s all me, all Mom, all the time.  How do I keep my sanity and my love for my child? 

Well first I know I will have to stop being selfish.  It will help if I learn how to be slow to anger and quick to listen and love like Jesus is always telling me.  Though I’ve been fighting that battle for quite a while-anger is my first learned language I feel like sometimes.  I know I’m going to need help-so I have to be willing to ask for and accept it.  But in the end I have to realize I am only one human.  I will fail at a thing or two, my home may not be as clean as I’d like, I may not be as clean as I’d like, I will probably never fix my hair….but so long as I remember God will be with me, Walker and I will be fine. 

I have goals, my main goal is for Walker not to need therapy as an adult.  I figure if that doesn’t happen-I didn’t totally bomb as a mom :p  But I just have to remember while this may feel like forever and that tantrum when I’m exhausted may seem like the worst thing ever, it isn’t.  This too shall pass. 

So fork you deployment fear.  You won’t win.  

Two posts in one

So one post got stuck in word a few weeks ago and I couldn't get it onto the blog...but now I can, and so now you get a two-fer.  

Post #1

Wow-long time no bloggin’.  And clearly in that time I have been big time slacking it up.  You know just doing a little part time child rearing, on the side house wifing and pretending to play Air Force once a month-ish ;P  But man, where do I even start-I have a whole notes page on my iPhone of blog topics/thoughts.  They may all end up in this one-if they do for that I will apologize in advance b/c I’m sure it will end up being a huge jibberish mess that only I can consider a good read.  (Kind of like those babies that have a face only a mother can love…kidding…well sort of)

So….I’ve been a mom for about six weeks now and it still has not gotten any less weird to A)-call myself a mom or B)-call Walker my son (not b/c of Walker, but b/c of the realization that I have a son).  I guess in part because I feel like I should feel grown up now.  You know it’s the same feeling I thought I should have felt when I went to college, graduated college, commissioned into the Air Force, moved across the country (and then some), bought my first home, got married…I think you get the point.  Before each of these points I thought I would feel….like a grown up.  However I’m fairly certain no-one feels like a grown up.  (Well I’d hope the president does, and he’s not just playing president like I feel like I’m playing house sometimes….or maybe that explains a thing or two…another topic for another time).  So while I know I am responsible for another human being (a super cute human at that), I still feel like I’m 18 (well mentally, not physically-I’d take that body back any day now…)

Other post-Walker thoughts-while I really enjoy being a Mom, I think I more enjoy watching Doug be a dad.  It is so much fun to watch, and more listen to him with Walker.  The two of them together melt my heart and I love watching them!  

Well I think my milk monster is waking up, so that is all for now.  But before I go-I had a younger gal tell me, I gave her hope that you could still be cool when you have kids.  Yea I’ll be riding that compliment out for a while.  *Walker is 15 and embarrassed of me at the mall*  Me:”I’m cool, because someone told me so in 2011!”  Yea I’ve got to work that better…. Lol

Post #2

So Walker is now 9 weeks, officially 2 months old and I’m still riding that compliment :P  The babe is playing in his bouncey chair so I will rush to write a little something.  First I want to say he was the happiest camper in the chair before I pulled out my laptop, as soon as I pulled it out he started being a little whiney, like the lion and the turtle hanging in front of his face were taunting him. 

Lately I think that Walker is seeing objects and potentially reaching for them, or more swatting at them…ON PURPOSE! Sadly I am so excited about this.  It’s a milestone, wahoo.  But I am over the moon excited.  I stop and think if this is how excited I am at a potential on purpose swatting at a toy lion, then how excited am I going to be when he walks, or graduates kindergarten or becomes President? (parents have to dream right?)  Then take it one step further, I can only imagine how excited God gets when we do something right.  Like “hey look she finally realized that, that petty thing doesn’t matter and she’s happy even though it didn’t work out like she wanted”.  Or “hey look she didn’t punch her husband for saying that” or maybe “yippie she didn’t drop the F-bomb there!”  Yea I would imagine God is just as excited about our baby steps.  

Ok off to save a whiney baby from the big bad turtle that is making fun of his receding hairline. 

Weird

That is the only description I can come up with about how I’m feeling now-weird.  I can’t wait to be in agonizing pain because I know that will mean my little one is on his/her way to meet us.  Weird as I walk around our home today realizing this is the last time I will be alone in it for a very long time.  Weird as Doug and I awoke this morning realizing this is the last time we will wake up as just us (for the next 20 or so years as he pointed out).  Weird as we are so excited about what the future holds for us, but in reality we have no idea.  We are not naive enough to think we’ve got this all figured out and that we know what is in store for us.  We fully realize this child is going to throw us for a few loops and just when we think we have it figured out, we’ll be looking to add another to our clan J Weird that for the last 27 years all I’ve really had to worry about is me (and a little bit of Doug lately), but now there is this little creature that will be dependent on me for everything-weird!  Weird as I think about how everything we’ve been preparing for and talking about for the last 40 weeks is finally upon us.  I mean I knew the end result was a baby-but it is just so odd to fathom right now.  Weird to think about how shortly I will no longer have a tiny dancer in my belly but a squishy baby in my arms.  

I will honestly say I’m not so sure I’m ready for all the weirdness, but I do know that God will help me.  As Doug so aptly prayed the other night “we know we’re not ready, but know that you will prepare us for whatever may come”.  So here we are, about to dive into what has been called the greatest adventure of a lifetime-and all I can do is pray, “Lord, guide us for whatever weirdness we have lying ahead of us and thank you for all that is weird”. 

Right where I am supposed to be

I have wanted to write about this for a bit and finally have a few min today.  But oddly enough the few min are while I am soaking my feet in an ice water bath.  So maybe I should change this title, because I highly doubt I am supposed to be dealing with some sort of crazy foot rash/bug bite that’s only cure I’ve found is to soak my tootsies in ice water.  None the less, clearly I digress…back on subject:

Last week was my first week of not working and being a full time stay-at-home wife and mom-to-be.  Years ago I thought I would go insane.  That that could never be the life for me.  But I loved this week.  I never found myself bored.  But then again I guess finishing your masters and preparing for Baby B did help that.  Although once I finish my masters, Baby B will be arriving shortly thereafter and I don’t see life slowing down much.  

But this week was so stress free!  My biggest stress was how I was going to fit in a friend who wanted to come baby shopping with me, so that we could both go and I could run the other 10 errands I wanted to run.  (Oh and resisting the urge to be a loner and tell her some sort of non-truth about my errands so I could do them alone….maybe some other day we’ll talk about my sometimes loner tendencies, which I think are simply a product of me wanting to do things how I planned with little to no deviation from my plan…again digressing).  

Somehow I managed to live in our home all week, and it was in utter chaos!  I mean to me it is a disaster!  But I would look around, mentally survey what my top priority actually was and forget the rest.  I think I napped all but one day, which means I looked at the mess and decided my body won and the mess lost!  For me that is huge!  Just a few weeks ago I was having trouble napping because of all the things that were still on my mental to-do list.  

So why the sudden change?  Because I listened and trusted God that this is where I need to be right now.  I am no longer counting down the days until bigger and better things come along.  This is my bigger and better.  God wants me here.  (and that was very evident with some of the catch up time I’ve been able to have with friends around the world.  I realized I have neglected some and they really needed me or I really needed them.)  

So maybe this tub of ice water is where I am supposed to be so I can write all of this, who knows.  I know that I am perfectly content, not awaiting greener pastures, enjoying where God has planted me.  Now just have to ensure that I bloom.

My current problems = a future talent

Struggling through a problem is tough. Knowing others face or have faced that same problem is reassuring. However, knowing other Christians have faced that same issue is a God send. Knowing that I have someone to lean on who is of a Christian mindset, which will lead me back to God each and every time, is such a calming safety net. To me that is what it means that Jesus walks with us through each problem. Yes I understand he has conquered the world and he has faced all the trials we face and more. But it puts a different perspective on it when you realize he has done this through my Christian brothers and sisters. For example I know that one of the reasons that God gave me the struggle of losing my Dad was so that I could share my experience with others and have a better understanding of what they may be going through. I recently realized one of the reasons he’s given Doug and I the challenges of deployments was so that we could help other couples through the tough parts of deployments as well.

God does not give us trials so we can wallow in them. But so we will call on him and he will walk with us, in the form of our fellow Christians. So I guess instead of looking at problems as problems, I should look at them as an opportunity to fellowship with someone who has faced that problem and know that in the end I will have one more talent for which God can use me.

Pain-everywhere!

The pain and discomfort today was completely overwhelming. Sciatic, low back, ribs about to explode, mid back, ankles and feet from massive swelling. Add to that a diet over-haul due to massive swelling, (& too much weight gain) and hubby not getting home until after 7 ( and my realization that waiting on him to arrive home is my new life...) = tears.

Psalm 73:26 comforts me- my flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.

Crying is silly- turning this over to Him. He will make beauty from this-pain, discomfort and waiting. Praise Him.

Today I had applesauce for breakfast

While this shouldn’t be a big event it is.  Today we have no eggs, no milk for cereal, only ½ of a bagel-which for me spells NO BREAKFAST.  However instead of freaking out, or rushing to the expensive grocery store around the corner, I ate applesauce (left over from my first trimester when that was the only remotely healthy thing I would eat).  So why is this important-because somewhere in the craziness of the last few months, I have stopped stressing.  Now don’t get me wrong, I still stress (couldn’t sleep last weekend when my family was here because my mind was racing w/ all that I needed to do for our party and to take care of them).  But, there are really big things (yes bigger than my lack of breakfast food), going on in our (Doug and I’s) lives that I totally should be stressing but I’m not!

Let’s take a look:

1-We’re having a baby-a real live baby.  Anyone that has been to my house lately knows how many plants I have killed.  I recently turned down a request to rabbit sit because I wasn’t sure how I’d do (I did take her fish-which reminds me I need to feed him), and we all remember my previous dog, Seven (he went back to the pound).  

2-(Let’s compound that ‘we’re having a baby’ with) I’ve decided to quit my job.  When you ask?  Roughly two weeks before the baby is due-income will stop coming in.  Cause babies just need my love and that is free right?

3-I had a plan for a job, a good job.  I was working that plan, totally in charge of that plan, until the Air Force put a freeze on hiring civilians.  Bye bye plan.  

As a recap-I have a baby in my belly (GET IN MY BELLY!-oh wait you already are…), we will be a one income family 2 weeks before the baby is born, and my job prospect is frozen (oh yea and I’ve been looking for others and haven’t really found anything).  Which brings me to the biggest revelation of all….DUN DUN DUN….There is a possibility that I could not find a job, and end up being a stay at home Mom! *gaspshriekyellpanic* 

 

Here is the weirdest part of allI thi….wait for it….drum roll please…I think I could actually enjoy that.  (I mean seriously I have been perfecting my baking skills, I’ve already devised a plan to nap during the day so I can enjoy the few hours I can spend w/ Doug due to his awful houred new job, and I really like the Today Show and Ellen.  Not to mention, my fellow Air Force Captains who also separated and now have no jobs, and I are thinking of pitching a new series to TV networks…’Desperate former Air Force Captains turned Housewives’….title may need some work…)  But for resls, the me, who thought there is no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I could be a stay at home wife & mom, is thinking I could make this work.  I’d then get to ensure our children (yes we plan on procreating again), have a good solid early education.  Also as Doug makes more rank, it will be harder for me to find a steady job and let’s face it-the more rank he makes the more money he makes, so the less reason I will have to.  Not to mention he will have less time to run simple errands or pick up our kiddos from school or take them to soccer practice.  

So-in the end, I am warming up to being a soccer mom.  But to be quite honest, I am not doing this-God is.  I have been praying to hear and understand God more clearly.  (I hear of others who get audible answers from him and I don’t…or maybe I don’t listen well, I’m sure Doug would affirm that).  While I haven’t heard him, I’m hearing him.  I feel a great calm about what is ahead.  The crazy uncertainty of what is ahead.  Funny thing is no more than two months ago-I was stressing this like no other.  Literally freaking out at work, calling friends to get advice-FREAKING OUT!  Now that it is here, that I am cutting corners financially every way I can, that I will have a baby that I cannot return to sender, and this house may become my full-time employment location-I am so at peace.  And this peace can only come from God (and the applesauce he gave me to feed me this morning.) 

God-today I thank you for the immense peace you have given me.  I pray I always remember you have a plan for us.  So here I am, eating more applesauce awaiting your plans.  Love Hope

New Design, New Season

Nothing really to post about, but I thought it had been too long, and I finally figured out how to update the design!  That had been driving me nuts.  This new design is a better representation of my life and shows my excitement for spring.  Really spring can't come fast enough.  Here I am wishing away my last few months before 'we' are 'three' but I can't help it.  March was stressful!  Taking two classes at the same time- one of which the teacher despises all of my work, a huge inspection at work, which no one in the office helped out with, work-oh my when I think they can't get wackier they do!  But April...oh April I'm so excited.  (Well minus the fact that Doug will be in Mississippi for that month...) but I'll only be taking one class...MY LAST CLASS...and the teacher grades super easy!  Work will slow down!  I have my college reunion-which I am so stoked to see everyone!  I will have time to do all the things around the house I've just pushed off or the baby has made me forget about and finally create my baby registry! 

But really, I'm excited about Easter too.  I'm sad that I won't get to spend it with Doug, but in the past few  years I haven't really had the time to focus on Easter and what it means.  This year with my woman's bible study and a little of studying on my own I'm attempting to get my heart ready for Easter.  B/c the reality of it is, Easter is the Superbowl of Christianity!  And it gets very little attention!  This is what it is all about folks!  We need Easter!  Easter was for us!  As you can tell I'm super into it ;)  At least my heart is anyways!

And because any post would not be complete without me admitting a fault here it is.  I publicly apologize to all pregnant women that went before me.  I seriously thought that anyone who gained a ton of weight was a lazy slob with no self control, who doesn't care about themselves or the baby and that pregnancy was soooo easy. BOY DID I HAVE THAT WRONG.  Now that I am that lazy slob with no self control (though I will say that all those people who constantly tell me "the baby needs this piece of cake" are not helping!), I understand.  So yes, I was a judgmental jerk (well if we're being honest I still am sometimes...I'm working on it...)-so I'm just putting this out there...from one judgmental jerk to the others out there...pregnancy is not a cake walk(well unless you count all the cake I've eaten)...you get my point.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for Easter.  Thank you for giving up your only Son so that I may be forgiven for my judgmental ways.  So that you may teach me the honest lessons of love that I need to learn.  In your Son's amazing name I pray-Amen!