Fork you!

If you ignore it, it is almost like running away from it.  But if you dwell on it, it wins.  So lets mention it, get everything out there and then plan to conquer it! 

Fear. 

There is nothing like a deployment to strike fear in the heart of a wife.  And now I’m a mother!  Fear likes to pretend it is my best friend (it hasn’t gotten the memo that that place was taken by God a few years ago, but I’m working on telling it---and Worry-Worry & Fear are a traveling act).  So to begin with-let’s talk about the one thing no one likes to talk about-but since I have a morbid sense of humor/outlook on some things and I’ve worked mortuary affairs-death.  To be honest this isn’t the top of my fears list-but I’ll mention it for good measure.  I know the truth, the statistics, the chances.  But I also know I have God-so whatever may happen God has plans for us-for us to prosper and not to be afraid. 

To be quite honest my biggest fear is of being a single mother.  (Now I mean no disrespect to actual single mothers, but I am not, but it will sure feel like it.)  I am afraid of falling out of love with my child.  I mean I love him, but I can appreciate his ridiculousness more when I get ample Walker-free time.  I know I have been super selfish and spoiledly taken advantage of football season and Doug’s night owl-ness and called it ‘father-son bonding time’.  When really, I was dumping Walker and running away so I could re-charge my battery.  I am so scared of when Walker starts teething or gets sick and is crazy needy and I have no reprieve.  It’s all me, all Mom, all the time.  How do I keep my sanity and my love for my child? 

Well first I know I will have to stop being selfish.  It will help if I learn how to be slow to anger and quick to listen and love like Jesus is always telling me.  Though I’ve been fighting that battle for quite a while-anger is my first learned language I feel like sometimes.  I know I’m going to need help-so I have to be willing to ask for and accept it.  But in the end I have to realize I am only one human.  I will fail at a thing or two, my home may not be as clean as I’d like, I may not be as clean as I’d like, I will probably never fix my hair….but so long as I remember God will be with me, Walker and I will be fine. 

I have goals, my main goal is for Walker not to need therapy as an adult.  I figure if that doesn’t happen-I didn’t totally bomb as a mom :p  But I just have to remember while this may feel like forever and that tantrum when I’m exhausted may seem like the worst thing ever, it isn’t.  This too shall pass. 

So fork you deployment fear.  You won’t win.