Silence and Obligation

I know I know I’ve been quite the slacker with my own blog! It all started with a church service that focused on listening to God. In service we stopped and just sat in silence with God for a few minutes….IT WAS TORTURE. I was out, in public, I wanted to look around, to sing, to do anything but just sit in silence…even if it was with God. I then realized this clearly was an area in which I had room to grow. I then started to just take time to listen to God. I will admit that I still am not very good at it. I find myself doing it when I don’t want to do something else that I should (get out of bed and go to the gym…no I’ll just lay here and listen for God…), or find myself doing the talking. (And I’m pretty sure a time or two I asked for my neon sign again. “Hope, this way”….) So needless to say, I am still working on this. Working on blocking everything out, making time for God rather than squeezing him in when I’m procrastinating and really opening my heart for God to speak to me.
I’ve also been struggling with acts of service or gifts that should be out of love…but are not, and not expecting anything in return. To me, I feel like too many occasions (and people in my life) have obligated gifts associated with them. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE giving gifts. Love thinking about them, deciding what neat thing I’m going to buy or make (all the better) and then surprising people with them. I despise when I am obligated to give a gift. You tell me I HAVE to do anything, and immediately I don’t want to do it…really badly! (I also have the inverse problem…tell me not to do something and that makes me really want to do it…but that is not today’s woe…lol). So how do I trade obligation and ‘I don’t wanna’ into…I love you and love giving gifts. I haven’t quite conquered it (in fact I’ve put off getting a gift that I know I just need to get and send…) but I’m praying…praying that God will fill my heart with his unconditional love. The love that wishes to give and serve, always.

Father, thank you for the amazing weekend Doug and I spent together. I pray I can continue growing in my quest to sit in the silence and soak up your word, to really listen to what you are telling me. Lord I also pray that you’d help me to not expect anything in return from those I give gifts to, and to, no matter the circumstance, give freely and with your love. In your son’s amazing name I pray, Amen!