Right where I am supposed to be

I have wanted to write about this for a bit and finally have a few min today.  But oddly enough the few min are while I am soaking my feet in an ice water bath.  So maybe I should change this title, because I highly doubt I am supposed to be dealing with some sort of crazy foot rash/bug bite that’s only cure I’ve found is to soak my tootsies in ice water.  None the less, clearly I digress…back on subject:

Last week was my first week of not working and being a full time stay-at-home wife and mom-to-be.  Years ago I thought I would go insane.  That that could never be the life for me.  But I loved this week.  I never found myself bored.  But then again I guess finishing your masters and preparing for Baby B did help that.  Although once I finish my masters, Baby B will be arriving shortly thereafter and I don’t see life slowing down much.  

But this week was so stress free!  My biggest stress was how I was going to fit in a friend who wanted to come baby shopping with me, so that we could both go and I could run the other 10 errands I wanted to run.  (Oh and resisting the urge to be a loner and tell her some sort of non-truth about my errands so I could do them alone….maybe some other day we’ll talk about my sometimes loner tendencies, which I think are simply a product of me wanting to do things how I planned with little to no deviation from my plan…again digressing).  

Somehow I managed to live in our home all week, and it was in utter chaos!  I mean to me it is a disaster!  But I would look around, mentally survey what my top priority actually was and forget the rest.  I think I napped all but one day, which means I looked at the mess and decided my body won and the mess lost!  For me that is huge!  Just a few weeks ago I was having trouble napping because of all the things that were still on my mental to-do list.  

So why the sudden change?  Because I listened and trusted God that this is where I need to be right now.  I am no longer counting down the days until bigger and better things come along.  This is my bigger and better.  God wants me here.  (and that was very evident with some of the catch up time I’ve been able to have with friends around the world.  I realized I have neglected some and they really needed me or I really needed them.)  

So maybe this tub of ice water is where I am supposed to be so I can write all of this, who knows.  I know that I am perfectly content, not awaiting greener pastures, enjoying where God has planted me.  Now just have to ensure that I bloom.

My current problems = a future talent

Struggling through a problem is tough. Knowing others face or have faced that same problem is reassuring. However, knowing other Christians have faced that same issue is a God send. Knowing that I have someone to lean on who is of a Christian mindset, which will lead me back to God each and every time, is such a calming safety net. To me that is what it means that Jesus walks with us through each problem. Yes I understand he has conquered the world and he has faced all the trials we face and more. But it puts a different perspective on it when you realize he has done this through my Christian brothers and sisters. For example I know that one of the reasons that God gave me the struggle of losing my Dad was so that I could share my experience with others and have a better understanding of what they may be going through. I recently realized one of the reasons he’s given Doug and I the challenges of deployments was so that we could help other couples through the tough parts of deployments as well.

God does not give us trials so we can wallow in them. But so we will call on him and he will walk with us, in the form of our fellow Christians. So I guess instead of looking at problems as problems, I should look at them as an opportunity to fellowship with someone who has faced that problem and know that in the end I will have one more talent for which God can use me.

Pain-everywhere!

The pain and discomfort today was completely overwhelming. Sciatic, low back, ribs about to explode, mid back, ankles and feet from massive swelling. Add to that a diet over-haul due to massive swelling, (& too much weight gain) and hubby not getting home until after 7 ( and my realization that waiting on him to arrive home is my new life...) = tears.

Psalm 73:26 comforts me- my flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.

Crying is silly- turning this over to Him. He will make beauty from this-pain, discomfort and waiting. Praise Him.

Today I had applesauce for breakfast

While this shouldn’t be a big event it is.  Today we have no eggs, no milk for cereal, only ½ of a bagel-which for me spells NO BREAKFAST.  However instead of freaking out, or rushing to the expensive grocery store around the corner, I ate applesauce (left over from my first trimester when that was the only remotely healthy thing I would eat).  So why is this important-because somewhere in the craziness of the last few months, I have stopped stressing.  Now don’t get me wrong, I still stress (couldn’t sleep last weekend when my family was here because my mind was racing w/ all that I needed to do for our party and to take care of them).  But, there are really big things (yes bigger than my lack of breakfast food), going on in our (Doug and I’s) lives that I totally should be stressing but I’m not!

Let’s take a look:

1-We’re having a baby-a real live baby.  Anyone that has been to my house lately knows how many plants I have killed.  I recently turned down a request to rabbit sit because I wasn’t sure how I’d do (I did take her fish-which reminds me I need to feed him), and we all remember my previous dog, Seven (he went back to the pound).  

2-(Let’s compound that ‘we’re having a baby’ with) I’ve decided to quit my job.  When you ask?  Roughly two weeks before the baby is due-income will stop coming in.  Cause babies just need my love and that is free right?

3-I had a plan for a job, a good job.  I was working that plan, totally in charge of that plan, until the Air Force put a freeze on hiring civilians.  Bye bye plan.  

As a recap-I have a baby in my belly (GET IN MY BELLY!-oh wait you already are…), we will be a one income family 2 weeks before the baby is born, and my job prospect is frozen (oh yea and I’ve been looking for others and haven’t really found anything).  Which brings me to the biggest revelation of all….DUN DUN DUN….There is a possibility that I could not find a job, and end up being a stay at home Mom! *gaspshriekyellpanic* 

 

Here is the weirdest part of allI thi….wait for it….drum roll please…I think I could actually enjoy that.  (I mean seriously I have been perfecting my baking skills, I’ve already devised a plan to nap during the day so I can enjoy the few hours I can spend w/ Doug due to his awful houred new job, and I really like the Today Show and Ellen.  Not to mention, my fellow Air Force Captains who also separated and now have no jobs, and I are thinking of pitching a new series to TV networks…’Desperate former Air Force Captains turned Housewives’….title may need some work…)  But for resls, the me, who thought there is no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I could be a stay at home wife & mom, is thinking I could make this work.  I’d then get to ensure our children (yes we plan on procreating again), have a good solid early education.  Also as Doug makes more rank, it will be harder for me to find a steady job and let’s face it-the more rank he makes the more money he makes, so the less reason I will have to.  Not to mention he will have less time to run simple errands or pick up our kiddos from school or take them to soccer practice.  

So-in the end, I am warming up to being a soccer mom.  But to be quite honest, I am not doing this-God is.  I have been praying to hear and understand God more clearly.  (I hear of others who get audible answers from him and I don’t…or maybe I don’t listen well, I’m sure Doug would affirm that).  While I haven’t heard him, I’m hearing him.  I feel a great calm about what is ahead.  The crazy uncertainty of what is ahead.  Funny thing is no more than two months ago-I was stressing this like no other.  Literally freaking out at work, calling friends to get advice-FREAKING OUT!  Now that it is here, that I am cutting corners financially every way I can, that I will have a baby that I cannot return to sender, and this house may become my full-time employment location-I am so at peace.  And this peace can only come from God (and the applesauce he gave me to feed me this morning.) 

God-today I thank you for the immense peace you have given me.  I pray I always remember you have a plan for us.  So here I am, eating more applesauce awaiting your plans.  Love Hope

New Design, New Season

Nothing really to post about, but I thought it had been too long, and I finally figured out how to update the design!  That had been driving me nuts.  This new design is a better representation of my life and shows my excitement for spring.  Really spring can't come fast enough.  Here I am wishing away my last few months before 'we' are 'three' but I can't help it.  March was stressful!  Taking two classes at the same time- one of which the teacher despises all of my work, a huge inspection at work, which no one in the office helped out with, work-oh my when I think they can't get wackier they do!  But April...oh April I'm so excited.  (Well minus the fact that Doug will be in Mississippi for that month...) but I'll only be taking one class...MY LAST CLASS...and the teacher grades super easy!  Work will slow down!  I have my college reunion-which I am so stoked to see everyone!  I will have time to do all the things around the house I've just pushed off or the baby has made me forget about and finally create my baby registry! 

But really, I'm excited about Easter too.  I'm sad that I won't get to spend it with Doug, but in the past few  years I haven't really had the time to focus on Easter and what it means.  This year with my woman's bible study and a little of studying on my own I'm attempting to get my heart ready for Easter.  B/c the reality of it is, Easter is the Superbowl of Christianity!  And it gets very little attention!  This is what it is all about folks!  We need Easter!  Easter was for us!  As you can tell I'm super into it ;)  At least my heart is anyways!

And because any post would not be complete without me admitting a fault here it is.  I publicly apologize to all pregnant women that went before me.  I seriously thought that anyone who gained a ton of weight was a lazy slob with no self control, who doesn't care about themselves or the baby and that pregnancy was soooo easy. BOY DID I HAVE THAT WRONG.  Now that I am that lazy slob with no self control (though I will say that all those people who constantly tell me "the baby needs this piece of cake" are not helping!), I understand.  So yes, I was a judgmental jerk (well if we're being honest I still am sometimes...I'm working on it...)-so I'm just putting this out there...from one judgmental jerk to the others out there...pregnancy is not a cake walk(well unless you count all the cake I've eaten)...you get my point.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for Easter.  Thank you for giving up your only Son so that I may be forgiven for my judgmental ways.  So that you may teach me the honest lessons of love that I need to learn.  In your Son's amazing name I pray-Amen!

11 min miles, a few extra pounds and a cold-how much more blessed can I be?

So I know I’ve been absent, but it was kinda difficult not spilling the beans about the coolest thing happening in my life! J  So now it’s public and I have really begun to process exactly what it means to be pregnant.  For the first time I think I truly am understanding what it means to put someone else’s needs before your own and to do something for someone else, not because you want to but because it is the right thing to do.  Most everyone knows I’m a workout-a-holic (freak I was called by a friend recently).  So when I was well into my first trimester and anything healthy seemed revolting and the only thing I wanted to eat was salt and vinegar potato chips and bread….it bothered me-a lot.  The doc even said, so long as I’m not throwing up-I should just eat what I could get down.  But we all know those extra pounds don’t come without some mental twangs.  It was really tough not to mentally berate myself when I’m staring down a piece of chicken because I know I should eat it, but yet I just want to butter that loaf of bread and down that, and that darn chicken is making me nauseous. 

Second case in point is working out-so since I know I have gained more weight than I should I wanted to work out.  But I knew that I need to watch my intensity (to high of heart rate could lead to ‘stealing’ blood that was meant for the baby to replenish the muscles/my heart that I’m working out).  That is so hard when I’m used to pushing myself through workouts!  To run an 11 min mile (well slower than that actually), and see that my heart rate is still too high-is heart breaking for the girl who used to lift as hard as she could and then run a mile as fast as she could just for fun!  It also brings about fears-what if I can’t get my body back?  What if I end up being a chunky mom like I vowed never to be?

Then there is the ultimate vanity issue-my hair.  It has been killing me that my doc recommended that I not dye it until the second trimester.  (Not that he thought anything would happen-but if anything did happen I’d be likely to find all sorts of things to blame and my pretty hair would be open game).  I wanted to wait right until the week I was out of my first trimester to make it pretty again.  But now I’m not quite so sure.

When I forget about my body and my hair and I think about the big picture-none of that matters any more.  God chose me (and Doug) to raise one of his children.  He entrusted me to carry it, and care for it.  So if that means I put on a few extra pounds and my hair isn’t the prettiest-in the end that is ok.  Oh how I can see my priorities changing and I know I don’t even know the half of it.  But as I sit here, suffering through a cold, for which I can’t take anything for-I know that if I can make it through this-and not be tempted to down some Nyquil so I can just get a good night’s sleep-then I will be doing my part to raise God’s child, as he intended.  Being sick isn’t my favorite, those few extra pounds are not my friend, and I still despise 11 min miles- but I know they are bringing me one step closer to one of God’s amazing blessings.  So I’ll try to enjoy my quarantine in the guest bedroom so I don’t get my husband sick, and not stress that I’m not going to the gym in the morning-and I’ll probably eat a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast, but God’s blessing is so much better than all of that!

I give you, you don’t give me, I don’t flip out

So recently I have been tested as I’d like to think of it, by a friend who simply doesn’t reciprocate.  Amazing person, but does not make the time to reciprocate the friendship.  At first it was troublesome, but then I took a step back.  A)-that person was going through things that my tiny world couldn’t even fathom.  So I had to take a step out of the normal attitude of 2010 (it isn’t that bad everybody goes through that)-no everyone doesn’t and I can’t expect everyone to react the same way.  And B)-God didn’t send us here to love the people that are easy to love (I have a feeling I honestly wouldn’t be as loved…b/c I’m a brat!)  But seriously-if we only love the people that it takes little or no effort to love, or the ones that are fun to love (generally under the age of 10)-then who loves everyone else?  So I have and am making a concerted effort to love those that don’t reciprocate the love and to not be offended by it.