It’s my ends and I’m allowed to say my end justifies my means

The ends justifies the means: my birth story-let me enjoy it without negativity! 

I didn’t plan it, I actually planned against it, but clearly there were other plans and the ends were pretty awesome.  I’m going to start from the end and go backwards.  The end is-I have a friggen healthy happy kid.  This kid is just about perfect.  (yea he may have just taken 10+ min to cry himself to sleep for a nap, but he’s out now! I call that perfection).  Not a thing wrong with him, health wise.  Oh did I mention he is happy.  Almost all the time (I blame his father).  Unless you are depriving him of food or sleep, he is a happy camper.  And me-I am 11 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight.  If it weren’t for the lack of jeans I’d be happy with my body, but seriously only having 2 pair of jeans to wear is crazy.  I ran a ½ marathon 3 months ago-that’s 3 months after my wonderful son was born.  3 months after my plan did not listen to me. 

The plan-a natural, medication free, non-induced child birth.  The reality- I had a freak rash all over my feet, that was driving me insane.  Nothing helped.  Heat made it worse; and it was August-oh and I’m hot bodied.  So I get super hot super easily.  Oh and did I mention that I had food aversions during my pregnancy and gained way too much weight b/c my doctor told me to eat whatever I wanted when I told him that healthy food made me sick to my stomach, and all I wanted to eat was chips and bread (FAIL!)  So the docs induced me, I didn’t want it, but I wanted my feet to stop being on fire-ALL THE TIME!  And I kind of wanted to meet my kid.  Call me selfish.  Being induced did nothing, kid wasn’t moving, well he was, his large dome was banging against my pelvic bone with each contraction-what a lovely feeling that was!  After 9 hrs I was 3cm dilated (fail!)  I caved, and asked for an epidural, I just couldn’t do it any longer.  They tried to give it to me, but his heart rate dropped and there we were at an emergency c-section.  Within minutes the pain was gone, and I was happy (and warm….man was I warm…like a warm cozy feeling).  A short while later they handed us a happy, healthy, beautiful boy (I had lost my bet with Doug that it was a girl, but won in life b/c I was a mom). 

So yea, I’m a statistic.  Call it what you want.  But, I don’t feel bad about it.  There is nothing for me to feel ashamed about as many articles against c-sections would like to make mommies like me feel.  I didn’t pick the date my child would be born because it was the day most convenient to me, or because I liked the date.  Don’t try and make me feel bad.  (and yes, I realize some don’t have that intention, but think about it…if you are writing about how bad c-sections are, then in some ways you are putting a negative spin on my birth story.  Each time I say I had a c-section, there is a pause before the person ask what happened, and I feel as if I have to explain how there was a failure on SOMEONE’S part-the doctors, me, the kid.  But God clearly had a plan for me.  I had all the education, I had the plan, but God and Walker had another plan).

I have a wonderfully healthy child and I am healthy too!  In the end I can’t ask for anything more!  Would I have like to have had a natural birth, yea, but I’d also like a personal chef, maid and to learn to teleport myself (and maybe Walker and Doug….no more car trips…that sounds awesome…).  Education is great, I’m all for it, but let’s support those whose plans don’t work out quite like they’d like.  You can call me weak, but this weak Mama has a healthy child, and scored a 97 (out of 100) on her PT test (5 mos post c-section).  Weak my patoodle! 

Mo better...

I know I'm supposed to go to God whenever I have a trial. I'm leading a study on James and that much I've got. Ask, believe that God will and can respond and ye shall receive. But how does ye ask God to stop Walker from continually making the 'uhhhhhhhhhhhh' noise...WHEN NOTHING IS WRONG? On the inside I'm thinking 'God please just SHUT HIM UP!' Seriously Hope, you lead bible study, and that's how you pray? 'yes, that's all I've got.'

Yea, I know God hears my silly prayers, but sometimes I feel like I need to know how to talk to him mo better. You know like I wish Walker would talk to me mo better.

And with that I'm digging into my bible mo better.

Pre-Momma conceived notions

I have noticed that there are quite a few differences between me before I was a Mom and the new Momma Hope.  Here are a few examples:

-Before if I would go out and run errands or something without Doug I would scan parking lots and stores for creepy men.  Now I scan them for creepy baby lovers.  I can’t specify the age or gender because these people come in all shapes and sizes.  (Though to be honest, I do think old people are the worst offenders).  One day I was about to go into a store and was at the car getting my carrier ready so I could wear Walker.  I am just about to pick Walker up from the car seat when I hear a few loud claps SUPER close behind me.  I turn around, and there is an old man less than 2 feet from me, staring at Walker, clapping trying to get his attention.  I wanted to deck him.  (I quickly thought how lucky he is that I don’t actually have PTSD b/c I may have.)

-Before I thought the best diet was war.  No really.  Eating at the same chow hall for six months really does wonders for your diet.  Especially when you are in love with the salad bar, only to learn salad is fiber and you are eating a TON of it!  Or the flip side, send your husband to war and you go play with the Army for the summer and work with dead people’s stuff.  Yea, pretty good diet there too.  Now the best diet is the “I will do anything, no matter how time consuming it is, to ensure that you are not screaming.  Holy crap it’s 4pm and all I’ve eaten is a power bar and some peanut butter crackers?!!”.  I know this will be followed by the toddler years of “dude, that was on my plate” and the soccer mom years of “dude, you have soccer and football AND piano today?!!!”.  

-Before I honestly thought Moms were kinda lazy and just didn’t care about what they looked like, thus things like the mommy jeans.  Now I realize sometimes don’t even have the time to not care, because taking care of the little one is sooooo much more important than fixing your hair.  Besides chances are that he is just going to try and puke in your hair anyways!  Though a daily shower is still a requirement (well most days anyways)

-Before I thought shopping for new clothes for me was the best!  Now I hate shopping for me but LOVE shopping for Walker!!!  Seriously whoever makes kids clothes laces them with crack (for the eyes obviously) so that they are irresistible! 

-Before I felt kinda guilty about heading to bed before 9pm-now I don’t even bat an eye.  I also consider it a huge accomplishment. 

Resolution schmesolution.

I don’t stick to things.  I don’t do training programs, or diets, I rarely follow through with things.  So while the thought of making a resolution sounds good-I know I won’t follow through with it.  So instead I think I am going to pick a word to focus on this year.  I’ve heard about this for a few years now from the Christian radio station I listen to-Klove(if you’ve never listened-google it-it is national and if there isn’t an actual radio station by you, you can pick it up via the computer or smart phone).  None the less the thought is to focus on one word to shape your year. 

So of course I have to tweak things-I have two words.  My words for 2012 are going to be ‘positive’ and ‘happy’.  There was a time when I was a happy go lucky, goofy girl.  But I think the year 2006 took a lot of that spring from my step.  (Another blog post-or 20).  None the less, now that I’m a mom-it is so important to me that I find that person again.  I want Walker to keep his happy goofy personality and my generally negative demeanor will not help that.  So I want to focus on being happy not only for Walker but for me.  The second part of this is being positive.  I am prone to being negative.  To thinking the worst about everyone and everything.  It is tough being the negative one married to a man who is super happy all the time.  So really I just need not be so negative and life would be so much easier. 

Not so much a resolution, just an effort-to be more positive and re-find the happy goofy, go-lucky Hope.  J  

Fork you P.S.

I didn't exactly finish this blog-I think I just came up with the fork you and then forgot I had more to write.  Excitement over a fork-silly. 

One of the other parts that comes with your spouse deploying is loneliness.  Plain and simple your life gets lonely.  Or at least mine did.  In my world, I married Doug because he was my best friend, the person who I like to find trouble with, find God with, sleep through movies as he watches them with, talk to about everything-seriously as soon as something happens he is the first person I want to tell, not talk to as soon as I wake up because I don’t talk in the morning, sit next to as I blog-you get the point.  One of the best parts of marriage is you have a full time companion.  Someone to do stuff with! 

Now that I’m a housewife/stay-at-home Mom that companion thing is even more so important.  My day is literally planned around Walker first and foremost and then Doug.  I take care of Walker all day and then do millions of chores/errands so when Doug walks through the door-there is less to do and more time for us to spend together.  I really enjoy it.  Now instead of on the weekends me talking him into cleaning a bathroom and playing rock-paper-scissors for who gets to clean the big bathroom-we look at each other and ask ‘what do you WANT to do’?  That is sooooo nice!  (BTW we still totally play rock-paper-scissors for diaper changes….though Doug looses.  Instead of putting out two fingers for scissors like he intended-he put one out….the game is rock-paper-scissors…not make up your own weapon-you lose! Lol….)

But without my companion-it may seem like I’m just cleaning and recleaning and recleaning a house with no fun in sight!!!!!  No 6 o’clock to look forward to.  Because no one is coming through that door to play rock-paper-scissors with me and laugh at Walker’s new antics. 

So I think I may take to traveling this spring.  (Walker and Hope coming to a town near you-possibly.)  The only commitements I have here are my reserve duty and bible study.  My reserve duty I may be able to take on the road once we figure out how to hook the CAC reader so I can work from home (or your home).  Bible study-I can’t give that up-because I’m leading it-eeeek!  (That is another post subject, woah nelly there!)  But none the less those are Wed and Thurs and then my one weekend a month.  So maybe Thursday night through Tuesday nights I’ll be a traveling gnome (with a baby gnome of course…). 

Fork you loneliness-I shall not sit at home and be bored and lonely.  Rock-paper-scissors-lets see where Walker and Hope end up!!!! 

Fork you!

If you ignore it, it is almost like running away from it.  But if you dwell on it, it wins.  So lets mention it, get everything out there and then plan to conquer it! 

Fear. 

There is nothing like a deployment to strike fear in the heart of a wife.  And now I’m a mother!  Fear likes to pretend it is my best friend (it hasn’t gotten the memo that that place was taken by God a few years ago, but I’m working on telling it---and Worry-Worry & Fear are a traveling act).  So to begin with-let’s talk about the one thing no one likes to talk about-but since I have a morbid sense of humor/outlook on some things and I’ve worked mortuary affairs-death.  To be honest this isn’t the top of my fears list-but I’ll mention it for good measure.  I know the truth, the statistics, the chances.  But I also know I have God-so whatever may happen God has plans for us-for us to prosper and not to be afraid. 

To be quite honest my biggest fear is of being a single mother.  (Now I mean no disrespect to actual single mothers, but I am not, but it will sure feel like it.)  I am afraid of falling out of love with my child.  I mean I love him, but I can appreciate his ridiculousness more when I get ample Walker-free time.  I know I have been super selfish and spoiledly taken advantage of football season and Doug’s night owl-ness and called it ‘father-son bonding time’.  When really, I was dumping Walker and running away so I could re-charge my battery.  I am so scared of when Walker starts teething or gets sick and is crazy needy and I have no reprieve.  It’s all me, all Mom, all the time.  How do I keep my sanity and my love for my child? 

Well first I know I will have to stop being selfish.  It will help if I learn how to be slow to anger and quick to listen and love like Jesus is always telling me.  Though I’ve been fighting that battle for quite a while-anger is my first learned language I feel like sometimes.  I know I’m going to need help-so I have to be willing to ask for and accept it.  But in the end I have to realize I am only one human.  I will fail at a thing or two, my home may not be as clean as I’d like, I may not be as clean as I’d like, I will probably never fix my hair….but so long as I remember God will be with me, Walker and I will be fine. 

I have goals, my main goal is for Walker not to need therapy as an adult.  I figure if that doesn’t happen-I didn’t totally bomb as a mom :p  But I just have to remember while this may feel like forever and that tantrum when I’m exhausted may seem like the worst thing ever, it isn’t.  This too shall pass. 

So fork you deployment fear.  You won’t win.  

Two posts in one

So one post got stuck in word a few weeks ago and I couldn't get it onto the blog...but now I can, and so now you get a two-fer.  

Post #1

Wow-long time no bloggin’.  And clearly in that time I have been big time slacking it up.  You know just doing a little part time child rearing, on the side house wifing and pretending to play Air Force once a month-ish ;P  But man, where do I even start-I have a whole notes page on my iPhone of blog topics/thoughts.  They may all end up in this one-if they do for that I will apologize in advance b/c I’m sure it will end up being a huge jibberish mess that only I can consider a good read.  (Kind of like those babies that have a face only a mother can love…kidding…well sort of)

So….I’ve been a mom for about six weeks now and it still has not gotten any less weird to A)-call myself a mom or B)-call Walker my son (not b/c of Walker, but b/c of the realization that I have a son).  I guess in part because I feel like I should feel grown up now.  You know it’s the same feeling I thought I should have felt when I went to college, graduated college, commissioned into the Air Force, moved across the country (and then some), bought my first home, got married…I think you get the point.  Before each of these points I thought I would feel….like a grown up.  However I’m fairly certain no-one feels like a grown up.  (Well I’d hope the president does, and he’s not just playing president like I feel like I’m playing house sometimes….or maybe that explains a thing or two…another topic for another time).  So while I know I am responsible for another human being (a super cute human at that), I still feel like I’m 18 (well mentally, not physically-I’d take that body back any day now…)

Other post-Walker thoughts-while I really enjoy being a Mom, I think I more enjoy watching Doug be a dad.  It is so much fun to watch, and more listen to him with Walker.  The two of them together melt my heart and I love watching them!  

Well I think my milk monster is waking up, so that is all for now.  But before I go-I had a younger gal tell me, I gave her hope that you could still be cool when you have kids.  Yea I’ll be riding that compliment out for a while.  *Walker is 15 and embarrassed of me at the mall*  Me:”I’m cool, because someone told me so in 2011!”  Yea I’ve got to work that better…. Lol

Post #2

So Walker is now 9 weeks, officially 2 months old and I’m still riding that compliment :P  The babe is playing in his bouncey chair so I will rush to write a little something.  First I want to say he was the happiest camper in the chair before I pulled out my laptop, as soon as I pulled it out he started being a little whiney, like the lion and the turtle hanging in front of his face were taunting him. 

Lately I think that Walker is seeing objects and potentially reaching for them, or more swatting at them…ON PURPOSE! Sadly I am so excited about this.  It’s a milestone, wahoo.  But I am over the moon excited.  I stop and think if this is how excited I am at a potential on purpose swatting at a toy lion, then how excited am I going to be when he walks, or graduates kindergarten or becomes President? (parents have to dream right?)  Then take it one step further, I can only imagine how excited God gets when we do something right.  Like “hey look she finally realized that, that petty thing doesn’t matter and she’s happy even though it didn’t work out like she wanted”.  Or “hey look she didn’t punch her husband for saying that” or maybe “yippie she didn’t drop the F-bomb there!”  Yea I would imagine God is just as excited about our baby steps.  

Ok off to save a whiney baby from the big bad turtle that is making fun of his receding hairline.